If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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