dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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