just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
