sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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