She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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