Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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