Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
