oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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