Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
