I think I am morally bankrupt
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
