this just has baby written all over it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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