Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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