good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she pinky promised me she was 18
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize