wrigley field is MILF paradise
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
