man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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