1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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