I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
