Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
