I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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