I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
last night I used snow as a chaser
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