I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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