When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize