Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize