just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
