I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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