Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
