i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
