call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
