K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This is my gift to your gina
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
