The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
