She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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