Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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