Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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