What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
