you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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