Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
