I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
