i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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