this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
