I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
