Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
