I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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