he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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