I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm too high and old for this...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
