its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
