Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
