then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
