I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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