apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
