Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
