Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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