i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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